Feb. 9th, 2017

newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
Ohhh Ma GOURD. With everything else going on in my life (but mostly Brenda's?) sometimes you forget to check a calendar.

It's that time of the year where New Years Day Noobies at the gym are about to quit showing up. But BEFORE they do they start a-lookin' for that special someone they've wanted to DOINK meet.

Actually, it hasn't only been the n00bs this year. And not just the ones that get on the treadmill behind me, stare at my Ass in Action and wait 'till I'm done to see my face. Oh, come on--EVERYBODY does that shit. Men at least ten times more than women. If you ask me (but remember, I'm a guy) lil' old ladies suffering Black Ass Hypnosis is kinda cute in an Oh GROSS Hee Hee Hee sorta way. Mostly for that surprised-imaginary-hands-in-my-cookie-jar expression when I turn around and see them. Wouldn't even know they were doing that! They give themselves away EVERY time.

But nowadays I've got people climbing on adjacent treadmills when 49857498473987 others are available. Last week, the kinda needy slightly creepy girl-that-runs-backwards did it. Kinda bold, gotta tell her. Kinda bold. If she only knew I switched where I run to avoid her hungry gaze. She's not bad looking, save for that desperate facial expression. Oh--and I'm married and HAPPY and all. However, Single Me would be creeped out too.

Friday tho! Gonna have to change the time of day I run. A really REALLY cute one climbed up next to me with at least oh TWENTY other treadmills open. Spent a very long time strettttttching and adjusting her armband with her phone (which--of course--was on her left arm facing ME) and she was dressed nice (accentuating without overdoing it) and didn't reek of some ridiculous fragrance...have to admit it. Other than the overlong stalling for some form of eye contact, she had a great approach. I was impressed and flattered. Of course, I also wasn't going to engage her at all, even if I didn't have another few miles to do. Three minutes into her run, she suddenly abruptly shut it down and ran off. Huh? Oh THAAAT. Some adventurously selective man took the treadmill next to hers. Guess he wasn't the guy! Whoops.

I almost feel as if I should list Selection Week Do's and Don'ts.
Some of this might sound harsh, but remember! I'm here to break the secrets of the Man-Code. It's true whether or not I type it.

Men Only: Selection Week isn't NOW, it's February 16 Dude-bros, why are you shopping before the after-holiday season? What are you, crazy? Think about this logically. Not only is it less expensive, the selection's better AND the standards are lower! There's rebounds in full swing and Revenge Dating and--hell, might as well tell you I caught Brenda on a rebound. How the (bleep) ELSE do you think a near-40 year old man with KIDS can snag a 24 year old with a Masters Degree and her whole life ahead of her? Timing, bitches. TIMINNNNNG.

Women more than Two Years out of high school: None of THIS

- Walking past a guy like you're not looking at him, then sitting on his opposite side so he can turn his head to engage you. Cuz you're neither in high school nor in a Rom-Com and That (Bleep) Ain't Cute. As a single grown-up adult man? I used to physically get up and walk away from those types to strike up a conversation with another woman. Literally. Kid you not. Partly just to piss 'em off, but mostly because I refused to waste another day of my life guessing WTF someone else wanted. And especially because the last thing I'd ever want is another relationship based on Power Plays and mood swings. Nope!

Pretty much everyone, regardless of gender

- Sitting facing someone you're interested in, then rehearsing all the reasons S/he Won't Date You Cuz You're (Reasons Why Not) as a movie in your head cuz your facial expression will reveal this AND the movie will play too long and even if you don't look like Creepy Monster, your fright will become contagious and no ice-breaking will result. It's okay to be nervous--but PLEASE be nervous off to the side, gather your nerves and then dive in.

But above all, never ever EVER ever ever do this

NEVER send another nurse to inquire whether the person seated next to the patient reclined in the chemo chair with IVs in her arm is her best friend, boyfriend or husband. And when you're told that's her husband??? DON'T carry on with this whole 'you look like somebody famous' shit. And when the guy goes 'Don't say Eddie Murphy' and rolls his eyes, don't respond that he's better looking than him. OH MY FECKING YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!?!??! The friend she was checking for was actually cute, but she shoulda went back and slapped her one. Can there POSSIBLY be a more inappropriate time or place? Okay maybe the Surgical Waiting Room--but that's about it.

For FUCK'S sake I'mma have to look at alla these women at least three more times. NOT COOL. NO. NOT AT ALL.



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