newlifeinstpaul: (40th Bday me and my Bay-bay)
You don't really think I'd decide to marry a woman that couldn't keep up with me, do ya?

Let this be a warning to all who read:
A battle of wits with Team S. Abdul will be almost, but not quite, as pleasant as walking through a wood chipper. Just don't do it. DON'T.

Exhibit A
Sunday afternoon
During one of 16 hundred billion rides--in succession--on the Bumper Cars


B: Perv.
Me: Yes, honey?
B: Not you.
Me: Not me?
B: This guy stared at my breasts the entire time I walked up through the queue.
Me: Was he wearing sunglasses?
B: Yeah.
Me: Well, there ya go. He's invisible, see?
B: They weren't even that dark! They're like, cola-colored!
Me: (Bleep)ing amateur.
B: Hey!
Me: Just sayin. Not his fault you're hot--
Me: HEY!

Three minutes later
As we're standing in line, and the riders are waiting
for the operator to check the seatbelts blah blah blah


Me: He got the car right in front of us, didn't he?
B: Yup. RIGHT in front of us.
Me: And he's staring again.
B: WOT?
Me: Yeah, he saw me seeing him looking.
B: UGH!
Me: Well, when he's sitting in his car he's kinda level with uh, YOU and all.
B: THAT'S ENOUGH THANK YOU.
Me: But still....Hello, Pathetic?
B: *pulls my arms around her*
Me: Oh dang. See, that's just mean!
B: What's wrong with you?!!?!?
Me: I'm just sayin. Nothing like a couple huge, dark arms to completely ruin that Mental Image He Was Saving for Later.
B: Well, it NEEDS ruining.
Me: Bomp-chicka-Bomp-SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH.
B: *snork*

(Realizing both that he's busted and we're making fun of him, he tried to do this casual Long-Slow-Yaawwwwwwwwn-oh-look-I'm-wearing-a-ring-cuz-I'm-MARRIED flash in our direction. Which is no shock; it's a common Pathetic Busted Staring Married Man move. Problem is, up 'till then? I was only toying with him. Now he dun ticked off the Big Boss. Ohhhhh SNAP)

B: *louder, I mean we know he could hear us already but--* Oh look! Isn't that one of those $499 specials they sell at Jared-slash-Goodmans-slash-
Me: Kay-slash-Osterman-slash-fill-in-the-name-of-the-mall-jeweler?
B: Yeah, with the three little diamonds in a diagonal?
Me: Common as the cold.
B: See, that's why I didn't buy YOU one of those!
Me: I guess his wife wasn't all that impressed with him either.

Ride mercifully starts--for HIM

Me: Dang. I was about to get started on his moobs.
B: No you wouldn't! That's too mean!
Me: If you say so, dear. If you say so.




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