GAAAHHHHH!!!!

Just what I need to read exactly 13 days before my big run, right?
And the same type of event I'm running too...

Three runners die in Free Press/Flagstar half-marathon

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!

Let me say a few things, tho. Besides the OBVIOUS fact that I do not particularly care to run my race, fall over and hit the pavement hard.

First and foremost, I feel absolutely horrible for their families and especially their children and grandchildren. This was supposed to be a celebration of human strength and endurance and will against the odds. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

In fact, let's all take a thirty-second moment of silence break before proceeding further.
It's that important.

........................

Okay.

You back now?
You DID give it at least 30 seconds, right?
Promise?
Good. Cuz here comes a typical meat-headed rant from yours truly.
Buckle up!


First of all, if I lived in Detroit? I wouldn't be running no damn half-marathons.
I'd be EATING. Have you seen half the food options out there? They're friggin DELICIOUS.
I'd tip a scale at a very well-rounded three-fiddy, would probably be hobbling around on two surgically corrected knees and I'd need a full-size day planner to keep track of where I'd eat next. And grinning like a (bleep)a (bleep)er, too.

Same difference if I lived in Chicago. I have absolutely no idea how Ronni and Adam stay teeny tiny out there. I really don't. I'd be walking in alleys behind restaurants just so I could inhale the grease-laden breezes on my way to work. Or the grocery store. Or yet another place to eat. More than likely, in my electric wheelchair. Hey! Don't judge me!

Second, just cuz you 'run' or your friends and family think you 'run' because they don't? Doesn't mean you're qualified to run a significant distance. A 5K is THREE LOUSY MILES. It is not 13. A 10K is SIX LOUSY MILES and change. I know, I know. If you don't run, that sounds like a great deal. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing to sneeze at...but stay with me here.

Perhaps you've run that distance and perhaps you've run it numerous times and perhaps you can even run it fairly fast. It does not, I repeat does NOT, I don't think you heard me--DOES NOT--qualify you to run a half-marathon.

And I know this how? I'll tell you how. I used to run a 5K a day and a 10K once a week. Not once upon a time or one really healthy summer or back in high school. That was my M.O. right before I signed up. 25 miles a week. Consistently. For at least a month and a half or so.

But a half-marathon or better (worse?) is a completely different beast. You have to learn to pace yourself. You have to practice drinking. When you're gonna drink. How much you're gonna drink. I never needed to drink, much less eat on a 10K...but a man my size is gonna burn 2000 calories running a half. Yes. You read correctly. A full day's worth of FDA 'recommended diet' calories at once. You. so. cannot. BS around with your body.

And a tough-guy, gotta-do-this, must-go-farther approach to the race? Really CAN put you in a pine box. Mind you, I'm certainly not speaking for any of the unfortunate victims of that marathon. I'm speaking for me. Remember when I got full of myself during my second week of training and decided to push from seven miles to ten? If my body wasn't already somewhat well-trained AND I didn't know exactly what to do? I'm not saying I'd be pushing daisies. But I'd have definitely wound up in an ambulance.

For that matter, you have to practice eating your Gu or your Shot Blox or whatever you plan to eat. Oh, yeah. You absolutely have to know how you are going to feel. Which brand tastes good? Which flavors are disgusting? Does your supplement have caffeine? And how much of it can you tolerate before you start to feel really oopy?

I subscribe to a running magazine now and I study it almost as hard as I did the Bible. I highlight sentences and circle paragraphs and stuff. I kid you not. There's a bunch of people at my job who've run full marathons or half marathons or even three-day cancer walks and believe you me, they have been INTERROGATED. What did you wear? What did you eat? How did you train? Where did you go for your shoes? If you're at the health club and you look even half-serious? I'm all over you. I need every scrap of knowledge I can glean.

The prospect of running this distance scares the living (BLEEP) outta me. And that's a very good thing. Because as a result, I'm going to prepare very well. In fact, I'll overprepare. HAVE overprepared.

I'm going to admit a truth I haven't spoken aloud until now about my half-marathon.
When I run 10/31? It will actually be the third time I've run that distance.

First time was 9/12 on a treadmill. The second was Saturday. Outside. Around a lake like the two I'll be lapping on the race course. In 45° weather.

I'm not saying I'm going to crush the course or somehow emerge unscathed.
In fact, I'm rather sure that--at best--I'm gonna be sore as HELL.
But I'm at least reasonably confident you'll still hear from me afterward.

*reads article again*

Waitaminnit. Are they saying you get to cross the Ambassador bridge to Canada as part of the race course? The Tunnel to Canada, too?

Dood. I WANT IN NEXT YEAR. I'm not even kidding a little bit!