newlifeinstpaul: (Default)
Wish I could take back every extra dollar I've spent frivolously sometimes.

Last year's vacations or the tablets and tablets and tablets after THAT or the car. 'Specially the car. Since--after all--I could have waited oh two mebbe three years and bought one without the leather heated-and-ventilated front seats and the heated rear seats and sunroof and the boomin' radio and the cruise control that stops the car by itself and saved 'bout $200 a month. Oh--and spent ZERO per month while waiting for a rental return to become used.

This is typically where B tells me to shut my face cuz she likes my car more than I do. Save for the sunroof.

Butcha know what? If she's gonna suffer through cancer and everything that comes with it? Maybe she SHOULD have a Damned Good Summer and September before that. If years will pass before she can afford to 'splurge' two weeks of vacation TEACHING people what she knows for their CEUs? Than she should do that first. If 2017's gonna be a hardscrabble year without a summer for her? Then she deserved that kickass 2016. At the Bare Fuckin MINIMUM.

That's what I think. Sometimes.

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newlifeinstpaul: (SHUT-Yo-Mouf!)

Cuz ya did. Yes, you. If you're reading this, anyway.
And so did I. *shrug*

What's anyone from Russia going to do with my 'information' anyway? Sell it? To WHO? An advertiser? They're gonna have to stand in line behind my phone carrier, my ISP and uh GOOGLE. Who's beat everyone to the punch a very, very long time ago.

But my perrrrrsonal information. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thanks to a couple previous security breaches--yes, as in plural, more than one--that shit's been out forIVER already. Steal my identity? Sheeeeeeit. Even I'm not sure how to open a new credit line in my name anymore. Pretty sure the bank has orders to shoot anyone with my name asking to open an account.

Besides, am I honestly that damned interesting to begin with? *checks user ratings* Wait-yeah-mebbe. Essentially, for the same reason I can get young, hot dates in Minnesota. One of Less Than Five Black Man Available, right? Whatever. I'll take it!

K-but-seriously. There may be some significant format changes in my blog forthcoming. They were already in the works and this development may hasten them. Stay tuned!

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)

Building a charging cabinet from a Billy bookcase. Doors will go over it soon.

Had I remembered to include the delta from the back panel's distance from the floor?
Perhaps I'd have uncovered both sockets, too.

Ah, well. Can't have everything, I guess.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
I should precede this by boasting that--other than the ass-kickings---I grew up in one of the best places and best times for pop culture EVAR. I could watch 'Meerkan telly. I could watch CBC. Actually independent stations existed. We grew up watching AstroBoy and Speed Racer and the lion Disney ripped off from the Lion King. KIMBA WAS HIS NAME. And Godzilla and UltraMan and Johnny Sokko on weekdays and kung fu on weekends. And Kraftwerk played on the radio, which was remixed into house and hip-hop (long before Timbaland and Coldplay got to it) and it took turns with each and every Prince B-side.

Also, this happened.

Had no idea Gary Trudeau penned it. Was it on the airwaves in the D? BettaFugginBelieveIt.

Honestly, how could you EVER forget

Okay people, ease on through
Rappin' Ron Reagan's got CHEESE for you...

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)

Look at her GO.

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newlifeinstpaul: (NurdPr0n)
I've been hiding this for a while.
Almost let it slip once.
But now I'll tell you.
You might not look at me the same afterward.

If you're not into the game, no point peeking.

No turning back )

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Mar. 25th, 2017 11:48 pm
newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
So B and I have been out of the house quite a bit during and before Pokemon Go Water Week. Frankly, BEFORE water week we'd found multiple Magikarp cluster spawns. Multiple. It was obscene.

B had already evolved two Gyrados (that's 800 candy, remember) and powered up some of them before the week started.

Now? She's back up to 540ish, 550ish. I've got 629--but remember, I get out the house more.

Those numbers don't mean much without finding a 'shiny' Magikarp. According to much bigger geeks than me? The odds are somewhere in the Two-to-the-thirteenth-to-fourteenth power range. One in 4,096 at best. About half as likely as you are to find a Magikarp with perfect stats [which are commonly known as `Perfect Four.`]

I've never seen a Perfect Four Magikarp. Despite multiple cluster spawns in more than one state since July of last year.

Which is not the story I've come to tell you. It's this one...


B was asleep on the couch last night while I slept in the bedroom. She had her reasons. She's on the tail end of her bone pain, but off the steroid bump and didn't care to be heard yelping in her sleep. I know, I know. She's better than she WAS. 'Better' is a relative term, not an absolute. She's been worse. Much more so. ANYWAAAAAAYYY

She dreamt that--while reclining on the couch--she'd found that vaunted Shiny Magikarp. It was on her phone's screen, it was on my phone's screen...but not on my tablet yet. (When I'm driving, she juggles things to keep me legal, 'specially now) She kept poking and poking and it wasn't coming up and... thing you know, she dreamt I was barreling down the stairs behind her. She made a concerned noise, asked what I was doing and I'd told her I was checking on my phone and tablet in the family room.

One small problem: She DIDN'T DREAM THAT LAST SEGMENT. If I wasn't dreaming the same dream, it was close enough that I stood up, dragged down the hallway and tore down the stairs to find nothing resembling a Magikarp. Or any other interesting monster.

Weird shit, huh? I'ma start wearing a foil cap to bed. Keep her outta my thoughts!

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newlifeinstpaul: (NurdPr0n)
Found another spot breeding metric asstons of another Pokey B's never had. She walked there as long as she could tolerate doing so. Then off to her favorite old spot, which no longer sucked.

So 'member that fish fry celebrating her first Gyrados evolution? She's up to four of 'em now. And has enough candy to evolve a fifth...only we're both waiting to hunt down a shiny Magikarp first.

Wanted to post more, but I'm doing OT tomorrow. Bed for now.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
This morning, I got pulled over by the cops while playing Pokemon Go in my car.

No, wait. That's not entirely true.

Because you can't 'pull over' a driver who's driven past a squad car and parked in a parking space.

Nor is a park ranger (this was at a county park, you see) who's stopped at an intersection, shifted his car into reverse, drives BACKWARD over a hundred feet to make an additional illegal turn to futz with someone in a parked car? In a moral position to talk about safety while driving.

He really oughtta fix his teeth tho. They look like a group of rowdy seventh-grade boys off their meds, posing for a group photo on a field trip. Who were s'posed to wear matching colors but kinda didn't, thanks to chewing tobacky and opening beer cans with the canines. If not meth.

Bloody typical C- GPA high school Rasmussen 'tech' school grad, peeved when a Negro drives by in a nice car.


Not that I'll visit again anytime soon. The Pokemon Go spawn locations have shifted. The cluster spawns of 'Good Ones' have left their park. All three locations we'd been frequenting. (It's a massive park--1,869 acres to be exact). When the distribution shifts again, perhaps I'll recheck.

Neither B nor I were really into playing today. Three weeks ago, we'd have considered it a good day. Perhaps close to great. But after a week-plus of high-speed, face-rippling PokeGasmic Madness welllll it kinda feels like the first 19 seconds of this commercial:

It's the first time I've ever said I just wanna go home and watch TV instead without a hint of sarcasm.

Lucky me, Mr. Robot Season II is available again. Never seen it.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
- From Tuesday to Thursday after her first course of chemo, B was doubled over with bone pain. But by her third course, a combination of OTC meds and prescription steroids have made life much better. Anemic? Yup. Fatigued? Of course. White count shot to shit? Par for the course. But she's not feeling as badly as she used to. We've adjusted.

- In her (and my) off time, B's loved to Pokey about. She gets out of the house. She can get fresh air. She can go for walks if she wants to. Or not at all. That game's evolved, too. From visiting one or two 'favorite' spots obsessively to hunting down precisely what she's looking for.

Which brings us to this Moment of Bitching and Moaning:

WTF WITH THIS 'WATER FESTIVAL' SHIT!?!?!?? You mean to tell me any (bleep)ing knucklehead will be able to evolve a Gyrados? Or that--from now on--any Level 22 mook with a $10 battery hanging off his phone would look at THIS screen

and snort, "Wot, no RED ones???" Well up ALLA theirs!

What's worst about this is that Brenda literally JUST evolved herself two Gyrados yesterday. TWO.

Whateva. Know what? Brenda also got herself a total of three Snorlaxes in the past 24 hours. Yes, that number was correct. Not one or two, but One Plus Two. Yes, the word after that was 'Snorlaxes.' She's a freak like that.

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newlifeinstpaul: (Don't wake the Missus)
She's a little pooped today, so I'm down in the family room keeping it hushed for an hour or so.
Gonna let her sleep.

She finished her stocking today. Ali Wong's Netflix special Baby Cobra on the Lenovo tablet.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)

You know the Rule: When your cancer patient wants to go out to eat? Take 'er out!
When she wants to go somewhere spendy--but finds a $25 off coupon? Find another $15 off coupon for yourself.
THEN take her out.

One day, I'm gonna go to Fogo De Chao and ONLY eat from the salad bar. You could. Honestly!
Hypothetically speaking, there's chicken salad and sliced prosciutto and delightful smoked salmon and beans and rice and soup and this RIDICULOUSLY perfect giant asparagus. You could finish your meal with a bowl of papaya and pineapple. Or two. You wouldn't go hungry. Your meal would kick ass.

Also, you'll never actually do it.

B's the biggest fan of garlic beef in the entire storied history of MOO.

But well done. For her. I'm a bloody plate guy.
AND--if you didn't already know--a total dick.

Today's moment in A-hole History under the cut )

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)

Some of you--but I doubt if it's more than a few--already realize I'm speaking of myself.
'Specially at the Auto Show. Where I'ma giddy at all the new sheet metal and will say the First Thing that Comes to Me. To complete strangers. To the Missus' utter shock and disbelief. She's never grasped that 95% of everybody's thinking the same thing. Fine I'm lying. Thinking something vaguely similar 'till I came along and fuckered it totally sideways.

One of Brenda's favorites tho? Is a game we call Check The Demo(graphic).
Oh THAT'S a cool car. Wait! Who's hovering around it? Ewwwwwwwww. Maybe not.

She's 'specially fond of this game near sports cars.
Typically, I'd NEVER take photos like these. B would, cuz shots are perceived as more innocuous from a woman.
But Brenda couldn't come this year and I needed her to feel as if she was part of my day.
To HELL with it said I to me. Click went my phone, off with some texts.

Four herndred hoorsepower ya say? YUP. That'll fix EVERYTHING.

Except ma bum knee. Still can't get IN the damned thing.

No, no! Actually this one WOULD fix my arthritis.

Me to the guy with the most hair: If I drove home from the dealer with that thing? My wife would punch me in the gut--so she could knee me in the forehead easier!

He laughed....but the woman with him laughed harder.

Based on your observation of this focus group, what will the Acura NSX do for its owner?

A) Restore your hairline
B) Restore your hairline if you needed it, cuz you don't since that cap totally sells it
C) Magically melt 40-100 pounds
F) Grant your life its missing purpose
Q) All of the above, at the bare minimum

More assholery to follow.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
I don't even fucking KNOW what will cheer me up anymore.

It's getting harder to hide from B that I'm splitting apart at the seams. Which isn't fair to her. SHE'S the one in need. Not me.

Work remains despicable, as always. They'd clearly do more for others than me. Nevertheless, I keep as caught up as I can--which remains better than a number of other folk in this sinkhole. I work here to provide for the people that matter to me. Everyone at the office can rot in hell otherwise.

I'ma take most--if not all--of tomorrow off and head to the Auto Show.

Which I'm not entirely sure will cheer me up, either BuuUUUUUUUt

Once upon a Single Man's NYE a very long time ago, I shoved myself out the door to an expensive party I was half-invited to. A coworker's girlfriend at the job on the side invited me. I mentioned it to the coworker and he denied all knowledge of it. Rather than sit at home, I pushed off anyway--after all, the spot had a capacity of 3500 or so. Five minutes in, I wanted to LEAVE but reminded myself I'd already paid $30 to get in. That wasn't gonna come back to me, ya know...?

Several hours later, I spotted a woman who'd gone out with me once, snubbed me after that. She'd brought a date, but uhhhhh he was fugly. And she knew it. Annnd she'd also brought another guest--except it was maybe 30, 40 pounds or so. She couldn't stop looking at...come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure if it was me per se. Cuz somehow, someway in completely inexplicable fashion I was sorta-dancing with two women at once, wondering How'd THIS happen, exactly...? just as the dude who'd denied he was going at all left his girlfriend to come rushing up, camera in hand, shrieking to me some combination of my last name and the word FREEEEAK (but in 'I am duly impressed and wish to bask in your glow' fashion) to take photos.

NONE of which I remotely expect to happen during my happily married, sadly impacted by illness day of climbing into and out of cars.

But pushing myself out of the office for a day could be nice. Here's hoping.

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newlifeinstpaul: (Don't wake the Missus)

Guess who's in town this weekend. ALLL this weekend.

And guess who hasn't been in town since Hillary was running for president.
Except against this young upstart first-term Senator named Barack Obama.

And guess who isn't gonna see him.

It's all for the best we didn't buy tickets. B woke up yesterday with the snots and this cough and I don't care what SHE said about it. Didn't feel safe letting her eating in a room with a few dozen people...much less a theater with several thousand.

And ALSO we missed the Home Show. B loves that shit. And the resultant IKEA fights it inspires.

And ALSO ALSO she's gonna miss the Auto Show. I'm going anyway cuz Auto Show, but it's going to be weird without B. Very weird.

She hasn't been to work at all since her last course of chemo. Which is a very good thing. The flu's been going around at work and a woman on her caseload is apparently Patient Fucking Zero.

Speaking of fucking, I haven't had any this calendar year. There's also that.

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newlifeinstpaul: (Babies on Sugar 2008)
In September, I purchased my Valleyfair Season Pass for 2017. Thought it was a Great Deal.
Free parking, admission from May 7th (a week before the public) 'till Halloween for only $70.
Works for me.

On the other hand, there's the new Valleyfair MegaDouche Pass*.

Full season admission, all the soda you wanna drink, two meals on the house per visit AND first-in-line for the 'best' rides every visit. For only 'bout Three Hundred Bucks a person.

What's wrong with this picture? Besides the fact that this year's new ride is essentially last year's new ride on stilts...?

I'll tell ya what. That they're not ALSO offering Valet Parking for an additional $150 per season.

If anyone wants to pay that much for Valleyfair...? Hell, sell it to 'em. TAKE THEIR MONEY.

Oh, wait. I'd give away 'ValleyFair First Class' T-shirts to the first 300 MegaDouche purchasers.
And ship them to their houses. As in NOW. Right Now. D-Bags attract other D-Bags who'd pay just as much to feel Extra Speshul. Get them boasting about it now! Why pay for television time when you can unleash Free, Blubbering Billboards that Won't Shut Up? Honestly!

*My name for it, not theirs

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
- Wish B had shown me the upsetting text from her mother earlier. (Actually she was gonna--but I told her to wait) Her mother's text was a mere piddly, somewhat manipulative 'we'd have come to see you in a heartbeat, if we knew we were welcome' shit. On a scale of Zero to Other Stupid Things she's said, that wasn't much. Certainly not 'That DOES it, I'ma hop in ma car and drive UP there for a chat' material. Yes, that's come out of my mouth before.

Still insulting. Back in the tumultuous teen days, Da Babies and I were in Full-Scale Fugly Feud at one point in time. They hadn't been over in months--and that mighta been my idea. But once Midget had a seizure, LP (chief architect of Damned Near Any Fight) was the first person on my phone and I was at the Emergency Room as soon as I could get there. Did my ex start screaming at Brenda in the waiting room? Yup! Did I take them both to the parking lot and THEN tell my ex...a series of surgically chosen, incredibly hurtful words*? Hell yeah! None of that mattered tho, cuz one of Da Babies needed medical care**.

B's gonna text a foot up her mom's you-know real soonly.

- Took off early today, due to fatigue. And then? Went shopping, cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, cooked lunch for myself for the week, two loads of shirts for me and you're starting to understand why Time Off For Me Is Pointless. At least I took a nap while dinner was in the oven. That way I'm at least an hour ahead on sleep.

*It was like setting off a dog whistle. Nobody else 'heard' a thing; meanwhile the ex was probably crying for days. Even in the Poorly Married Days, they were things I'd never say due to sheer Megatonnage of soul-scarring damage--only now? I was bringing them in combinations. The Message: Bring that Souf Side shit to Brenda? I'ma bring Da West Side. Not Six Mile, either. FENKELL. But Blacked-Out Fenkell Ninja. With the ex on the floor, screaming HE CUT ME BAAAAAAAAAAD and everyone else going Huh?

**Many months later, the ex called, apologized to me and told me LP had her head twisted backward on some BS stories 'bout me. I told the ex she needed to make an apology to BRENDA. Believe it or not, she did. None of which is the point. Point is Real Parents GET THEIR ASSES OUT THERE

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
Haven't posted any PokeyPr0n in a while.
Perhaps because it's more scary than anything else.

Please bear in mind I've been taking B out quite a bit to play.
But only at the very best spots.
Very best.

Dear Twin Cities: You are in Very Big Trouble.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
I really should get outta bed and run some miles and take B out. But first? This story.

B's been playing Pokemon Go like an absolute fiend. It gets her out of the house. She can get out and walk if she wants--or not, if she's tired. She can play for twenty minutes a half-mile from home or hours at a time. Whatever she can tolerate is fine with me. Her favorite spot is deep in Beaver Cleaverish suburbia, where people (to evoke the stereotype?) chase Pokeys for their privileged whiny kids in their Jaguar SUVs or for themselves in their Beemer 5 Series. Oh SURE there's folks who have to open their hood and jiggle things about to start their cars and--of course--a fair sprinkling of wild-haired cat ladies driving Ford Focuses. But to B? This is PokeyHome. Where certain people suddenly take off running down the road or drive from their highly coveted parking spots (in the best positions, you can ping 3-4 Pokeyspots without moving) and we'll know we'd better follow them. However, that is NOT the tale I've come to tell you.

On the other hand...? There's spots in the city, like the State Fairgrounds. Abundant Pokeyspots, if you're driving. Most of the people are okay to decent. But the first time I took her walking? We came across a certain family. More specifically, they came across us.

Quick aside: Have you ever encountered a complete stranger and decided--on sight--that you kinda hate 'em cuz you're jealous? We've all done it at one time or another. It's human. For me, it's usually those teens at the whirlpool at my weekend gym. Weekend gym's in a Bigger Money neighborhood than B's favorite PokeySpot. These kids seem all socially well-adjusted and well-heeled and probably driving their own cars and going straight to college an shit...and it makes me wish I had a do-over. Kinda stings a bit. Probably all have their own bedrooms, too. Little shits. But I told you that to tell you this: That has everything to do with ME, not with them. Just cuz I might feel that way INSIDE wouldn't mean I'd bring that emotion OUTSIDE. Right?!?!? They'd actually have to be a Real-World Shit to me or someone else. At least that's my perspective.

Not everyone has that level of self-respect and common sense. I get it. No, I don't. I don't comprehend it. But I've seen it and I've told you stories. Like the one 'bout the guy with the caked-on dirty 15 year-old car poking fun at me in mine when it was maybe six months old? Just.....why???

Back (again) to this tale tho.
Cuz in this one, we apparently ran across that Hater Guy's cousin.

And his two grubby little urchins.

INCLUDING his son with deep croupy cough. Not a *kaff kaff* thing. Somewhere between whooping cough and borderline pneumonia. Where the kid says he's fine...? But a grownup should get him checked out.

And his daughter who kept running ahead of them and WAYYYYY too close to us to have a brother hacking up a rich, bacteria-frothy pudding from his lower left lobe.

They were behind us for a while. At least long enough for him to read the back of my hoodie 'bragging' about either my 7K run or half-marathon ('twas the latter, actually) and decide that--as a close to 300 pounder himself--he didn't care for me much. Or perhaps there was another reason. Interracial relationships, my skin 'bout we stick with my running? It's easier that way.

'Bout the leventeenth time the Bandleader of The Airborne Fungus Parade ran up on us...?
I told B to keep walking and turned to meet the bunch.

Me: 'Scuse me. Sir? I need to tell you my wife's going through chemotherapy.
Big Fat Scruffly Under-educated Fucknut: *irritated scarcely-verbal grunt of no specific purpose*
Me: She's undergoing chemo and I've noticed your son is sick.
BFSUF: He's not sick! He Has ASTHMA.
(And apparently denied his prescribed inhaler for a great many moons)
Me: Anyway, I'm going to ask if you could keep a bit of a distance from us.
BFSUF: We'll walk where we WANNA walk.
Me: ...
BFSUF: ...
Me: Looks like my wife has moved far enough away from your family now, so whatever.


Afterward he called his grimy-faced, pocket-picking orphan to him and told her to mind her distance in the native tongue of White Trash, but Come The Fuck On. How you gonna talk to me like that?

I honestly wanted to beat the shit outta him. Might have even said so out loud a couple times. But what would that accomplish? I'd only get covered with his coat filth and Their Family Smegma. Which would prolly kill Brenda for sure. If not me.

While Band I warmed up in our car, we noticed he walked up to a rusty minivan across the street. Where he warmed his kids. AND SPOKE TO A WIFE WAITING IN THE CAR.

A wife you say? The children's mother...? Oh ho ho. Oh ho HO ho hohhhhhh.

I waited for the man and kids to leave, then casually Pokeyed up the block, crossed to the other side, sauntered back and waved at her through her window. She opened her door.

Me: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. But I feel compelled *placing hand on my chest* to tell you what your husband said to me.
Her: Yes?
Me: You see, my wife has breast cancer.
Her: *Gasp*
Me: They found it in one breast, but when she had a double mastectomy in December? They found it in both.
Her: Oh no.
Me: Today's a good day for her since she's started chemo, so I've brought her out today. We weren't aware your son had asthma, but....

Halfway through the story, I looked into this woman's eyes and realized she was essentially drinking me in with her soul. Here she was--sitting in a car, not where she wanted to be at the time, marginalized by her spouse to at least SOME extent. While hearing from a man who only wants to do what's right by his One and Only. Who'd be there when it mattered most. Whatever issues she may have had with him? I'd just driven a double-tanker of gasoline to her and said Here! Light him on fire with this!

Me: a representative of one woman *gesturing to my car* to another, I thought you should know.
Her: Thank you.

As soon as BFSUF got back to his car? She laid into him. It wasn't overly demonstrative. There wasn't arm-flailing and screaming (at least that we could hear) or physical drama. But the way BFSUF looked at ME throughout. Mouth agape. Shaking his head now and then to his wife in attempted denial. But that Oh Shit look when something Deeply Horrid you've said gets repeated back to you.

And now his mother will know. And her friends will know. And her family will know.
And he will ALWAYS be an Unfeeling Beast, unworthy of Breathing Air 'mongst Decent People.

I'd say we're About Square.

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newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
B likes to sneak little cards and gifts on my pillow or desk these days to thank me for taking care of her. Which I think to be a wee bit silly. First of all, I'm kinda SPOSED to take care of her. Second, as a man nearly 16 years older than her, she's bound to get HER turn. Yup!

But anyway, I tried to reciprocate. What did I do?

Bought my wife who had chemo and is dealing with nausea and dizziness THE DOCTOR FUCKING STRANGE BLU-RAY. Wait for it, wait for it IN 3D.

*At least I included a card that said 'Maybe later!'

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