An Open Letter to Brenda

Dear Missus Nickname-I-Will-NOT-Type-Here-Cuz, Well-YOU-KNOWWWWW,

I know you like to stay warm in the winter. I appreciate that. Further, I'm well aware that, having come from the Canadas and all, you have amassed quite the collection of hats--my bad, TOQUES--and mitts and whatnot.

However, I respectfully ask that you refrain from wearing knit toques with Pom Poms on the top for the forseeable future, quite possibly forever. I'm sure they match your outfit and are no doubt comfortable, but this behavior must stop.

Cuz when you do, I have no choice other than to smash my nose into it and make it go bippity-bippity-bippity back and forth across the back of your head. And then you'll go Hey QUIT IT and I'll say okay but we both know that's gonna last 30, maybe 45 seconds tops before your Pom Pom absolutely MUST go bippity-bip again while you sigh and wonder why you have to be the (bleep)ing grownup in this relationship.

Frankly, I blame you. You already know how much I love smashing my face into stuff.

Love, your husband

S.