newlifeinstpaul: (The Princess & Queen Brenda 2014)
[personal profile] newlifeinstpaul
I don't even fucking KNOW what will cheer me up anymore.

It's getting harder to hide from B that I'm splitting apart at the seams. Which isn't fair to her. SHE'S the one in need. Not me.

Work remains despicable, as always. They'd clearly do more for others than me. Nevertheless, I keep as caught up as I can--which remains better than a number of other folk in this sinkhole. I work here to provide for the people that matter to me. Everyone at the office can rot in hell otherwise.

I'ma take most--if not all--of tomorrow off and head to the Auto Show.

Which I'm not entirely sure will cheer me up, either BuuUUUUUUUt

Once upon a Single Man's NYE a very long time ago, I shoved myself out the door to an expensive party I was half-invited to. A coworker's girlfriend at the job on the side invited me. I mentioned it to the coworker and he denied all knowledge of it. Rather than sit at home, I pushed off anyway--after all, the spot had a capacity of 3500 or so. Five minutes in, I wanted to LEAVE but reminded myself I'd already paid $30 to get in. That wasn't gonna come back to me, ya know...?

Several hours later, I spotted a woman who'd gone out with me once, snubbed me after that. She'd brought a date, but uhhhhh he was fugly. And she knew it. Annnd she'd also brought another guest--except it was maybe 30, 40 pounds or so. She couldn't stop looking at...come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure if it was me per se. Cuz somehow, someway in completely inexplicable fashion I was sorta-dancing with two women at once, wondering How'd THIS happen, exactly...? just as the dude who'd denied he was going at all left his girlfriend to come rushing up, camera in hand, shrieking to me some combination of my last name and the word FREEEEAK (but in 'I am duly impressed and wish to bask in your glow' fashion) to take photos.

NONE of which I remotely expect to happen during my happily married, sadly impacted by illness day of climbing into and out of cars.

But pushing myself out of the office for a day could be nice. Here's hoping.

weebly statistics

Date: 2017-03-14 09:42 pm (UTC)
minkrose: (calm face glow)
From: [personal profile] minkrose
S, it is ten thousand percent bullshit that you aren't allowing yourself to have needs.

Stop that.

Take care of yourself. YOU ARE ALSO SUFFERING. You are not in the center ring, but you're the next ring out.

I can TELL YOU FOR SURE, this will, and rightly should, fuck you up -- cuz you care about B.

This is NOT all about B.
I think a support group or somewhere to process your feels that isn't just LJ is also a thing you should consider. Trust me; I went through this.... you OWE IT TO BRENDA to HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT TOGETHER -- by which i mean, GETTING EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND PROCESSING YOUR FEELS, *NOT* ignoring your emotions and pretending you don't have them or de-prioritizing them.

<3 love you.
Edited Date: 2017-03-14 09:43 pm (UTC)

Date: 2017-03-15 02:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well said.

Date: 2017-03-15 11:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This. So much this.


Date: 2017-03-15 06:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
::Nodding in 100% agreement::

Date: 2017-03-15 07:27 pm (UTC)
smittenbyu: (Sketch)
From: [personal profile] smittenbyu
everything [ profile] minkrose said. Am sure B will also be unhappy to see how down you are. Find an outlet of support! Take care!

Date: 2017-03-15 10:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You are a caregiver and it's hard and emotionally draining as fuck. It's okay to cry, rage, scream into pillows...whatever you have to do. You are in need, too. Don't pretend otherwise.

I'm sure B appreciates your attempts to be stoic, but she's a smart woman. She knows very well how difficult this also is for you.

Take care of each other.
Edited Date: 2017-03-15 10:57 pm (UTC)

Date: 2017-03-16 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Chiming in late...
but yeah, dude, please take care of yourself too. I can only imagine how stressful this is. It's scary and so unfair that you two are going through this.

I agree with the idea of going to a caregivers support group. Maybe a nurse might know of one?

I hope you went to the Auto Show & enjoyed yourself.

hang in there-we're all on your side here!


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