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1) Create a 'no auto' zone for blocks around the little hockey rink
2) Reassign folks with monthly parking contracts to other garages even farther away from their jobs (NOTE: This would not be me, but trust me--I'm going somewhere with this. See, St. Paul secretly wishes to be a 'somewhere' with nightlife and activity after 5 PM besides teens lobbing occasional f-bombs at each other while changing buses, but it's just Not. Gonna. Happen. And a 'hot' spot would actually REQUIRE all those empty parking garages the city built that collect dust and the occasional bored vagrant so ooooooooooooooooh St. Paul's pretending that's them for a minnit)
3) Cover all the parking meters blocks and blocks away from downtown with 'no parking' hoods and padlocks, as if people park there for longer than 30 minutes at a time EVERRRRRRRRR even when they do
4) Bug people who get up at 5 AM, in their cars at 5:30 AM and to work at 6 AM with aforementioned silly little hoods
5) Get them to scramble 'round the corner for another spot with an open meter
6) Post silly little signs everywhere forbidding parking from 2-7 AM on alternating streets on alternating days. For alternating reasons. (So yeah, these were already in place. Why? They're BORED that's why. I told you there was nothing to do here, right?)
7) Stand around hovering like a fruit fly to candy, waiting for confused people to park, fists clenched squealing 'Oooh! Money! Money!'
8) Slap tickets on the hard-working average person's car in less than 10 minutes after they accidentally park in a temporarily 'illegal' space. You know, until 8 AM. When they'd have to feed the meter. Or except every OTHER weekday. When it's legal, too. Except on the next block over. Where it isn't.
9) Congratulate yourself for being such a wank
Listen up, St. Paul. When this little convention blows over in a couple days and is forgotten a day or two after that? Your struggling downtown businesses--you know, unlike the other stores, restaurants, bars, food courts, movie theaters and whole damn wanna-be donwtown malls PLURAL that dried up and blew away--will have to turn to me and those like me for their livings again. And guess what? You will have cheesed us off already.
You will come to us, screaming, "Spend money!" and we will whisper....No.
2) Reassign folks with monthly parking contracts to other garages even farther away from their jobs (NOTE: This would not be me, but trust me--I'm going somewhere with this. See, St. Paul secretly wishes to be a 'somewhere' with nightlife and activity after 5 PM besides teens lobbing occasional f-bombs at each other while changing buses, but it's just Not. Gonna. Happen. And a 'hot' spot would actually REQUIRE all those empty parking garages the city built that collect dust and the occasional bored vagrant so ooooooooooooooooh St. Paul's pretending that's them for a minnit)
3) Cover all the parking meters blocks and blocks away from downtown with 'no parking' hoods and padlocks, as if people park there for longer than 30 minutes at a time EVERRRRRRRRR even when they do
4) Bug people who get up at 5 AM, in their cars at 5:30 AM and to work at 6 AM with aforementioned silly little hoods
5) Get them to scramble 'round the corner for another spot with an open meter
6) Post silly little signs everywhere forbidding parking from 2-7 AM on alternating streets on alternating days. For alternating reasons. (So yeah, these were already in place. Why? They're BORED that's why. I told you there was nothing to do here, right?)
7) Stand around hovering like a fruit fly to candy, waiting for confused people to park, fists clenched squealing 'Oooh! Money! Money!'
8) Slap tickets on the hard-working average person's car in less than 10 minutes after they accidentally park in a temporarily 'illegal' space. You know, until 8 AM. When they'd have to feed the meter. Or except every OTHER weekday. When it's legal, too. Except on the next block over. Where it isn't.
9) Congratulate yourself for being such a wank
Listen up, St. Paul. When this little convention blows over in a couple days and is forgotten a day or two after that? Your struggling downtown businesses--you know, unlike the other stores, restaurants, bars, food courts, movie theaters and whole damn wanna-be donwtown malls PLURAL that dried up and blew away--will have to turn to me and those like me for their livings again. And guess what? You will have cheesed us off already.
You will come to us, screaming, "Spend money!" and we will whisper....No.
