newlifeinstpaul | Meet Da Midget, as I Guess She's Always Been

(Maybe a year or two ago, as I was driving her to my house)

Adult Midget: I used to HATE when you'd run errands.

Me: Sorry. Kinda had to tho.

AM: ESPECIALLY Menards.

Me: Hmmm...?

AM: Menards was the WORST.

Me: Why?

AM: I couldn't POKE anything.

Me: Youuuuuu. What?

AM: Remember how you'd tell me not to touch the bread at the grocery store?

Me: Yeah

AM: And the meat?

Me: WAIT.

AM: I poked holes in EVERY loaf of bread and package of meat I could get my hands on.

Me: *Whole World Spinning in Crazy Circles, never mind that I'm driving*

AM: *Sees my deeply confused face* You...didn't know?

Me: .....but meat. MEAT. Raw MEAT.

AM: *Disaffected face*

Me: .....Why?

AM: Oh, that's NOTHING.

Me: ...

AM: Mom used to take us to her work on Saturdays when no one else was there.

Me: Yoouuuuuuuu hated that, too.

AM: HATED IT.

Me: Go on????

AM: I used to take family photos off of people's desks and put them on other's people's desks in other offices.

Me: *desperately tries to restrain a snort, cuz come on--that's borderline Junior Supervillian shit*

AM: Mom made me call and APOLOGIZE.

Me: ...

AM. To the WHOLE OFFICE.

Me: You realize you're an adult now. WITH KIDS.

AM: So...?

Me: You're still mad!

(Several hours later, after revealing this to G-Zilla)

GZ: Well! That explains it, then.

Me: 'Splains wot?

GZ: Her homework.

Me: Her--huh?

GZ: Midget and I used to do her homework assignments together.

Me: Uh huh.

GZ: Not a few samples, the whole assignment.

Me: Okay. That doesn't tell me anything.

GZ: They were DONE.

Me: ...

GZ: All she had to do was TAKE THEM OUT of her bag and DROP THEM ON THE DESK

Me: Annnnnnnd

GZ: ...

Me: ...

GZ: ...

Me: ...

GZ: ...

Me: No.

GZ: YES!

That, my friends? Is a level of eyes-closed-tightly, fists clenched, lalalalaLALALALALALAAAAAAA-singing 'Fuck You' that I've never previously heard of. Is that EVEN a 'Fuck You?' That's a whole new category. It needs a fresh, yet instantly identifiable description. A single-kick, anal-shrub-punting level of Disgusted Contempt. Like it didn't take that much effort, yet you're shitting those sticky red berries, pine cones and half a squirrel for a month and change.

And then I started wondering.

What if Adult Midget never wanted to SEE Me see me to begin with? What if I was just a pawn? Nothing more but a defiant side shrub-punt at the 'Dubs for making her conform before taking her back?

What Fuckin Eva. I had a good run.