(no subject)

How The 'Dub Grinch Stole Christmas

Cuz I sure as hell did. I feel equal parts elated and guilty.

B absolutely DESPISES my heavy winter coat. If she were given an opportunity to set it ablaze with me still in it...? She'd have to think it over.

I'd long been thinking about buying a Columbia or Eddie Bauer 3-in-1. Some people would lump North Face in the same category, but sorry I can't. Too many snotty (bleep)heads 'round town wear 'em. Can't do it.

ANYWAY weekend-before-last I was browing the Columbia shop at the mall. What mall? You're kidding, right? 'Mall' from my lips (keyboard?) is always Mall of America by default. Where was I? Oh right! Came across this one.



Try to ignore my douchey expression k? I'm trying to face the camera.

I liked it, but I had my reservations. The lining wasn't removable and the price was kinda stiff.

But Friday I was at the Mall again, trying to relax after a half-day of OT when out-of-the-BLUE B's all I'm done with work you're at the Mall aren't you AREN'T YOU I'ma run up on yo black ass and I was Aw SHIT and lied to her about where I was in the building so I could dash a couple Christmas items into my trunk. THEN she was all I wanna ride my favorite ride and screw your dinner you put in the slow cooker this morning and WHATCHA DOIN WHATCHA DURRRRRRRRRRRRN so I innocently took her to the Columbia store while we were there.

Apparently, men in Columbia jackets get Canadian women all kindsa sloppy. If I knew it was that easy back in the day...?

B: GIT IT.
Me: But it's not interchangeabl--
B: GIT IT.
Me: Are you sure we don't wanna go to the outlet mall up north to compare prices?
B: GIT. IT. NOWWWWWW.
Me: Okay!
B: *heavy breathing persists*
Me: I just thought that--
B: GIT BOMBER HAT.
Me: What?
B: FURRY. LOOK LIKE LUMBERJACK.
Me: Listen, honey. I love you very much--
B: TRY ON!!!!!
Me: --but um, Fuck No.

Then came the Sunday paper and all the Green Monday sales and uhhhh..

Me: Would you be really mad if I asked you if I could buy another coat?
B: What?!?!?!?!?
Me: Yeah.
B: You're NOT taking that coat back.
Me: Newp. Wouldn't be. I'd be buying another--
B: WOOOOOOTT?!?!?!?!?
Me: I'd replace the beige one!
B: Hoo?
Me: The one you wanna rip off my back and toss in a wood chipper??
B: Hmmm!

So this happened.



More specifically, this happened too. And a hat. And gloves.

Which I told you to ask you this: How is B gonna have a good Christmas with me now that I've pretty much upstaged everything with items I've picked out for myself?

Oh OH And and?!?!?!?!?

I was texted a random photo of a purse without any explanation. It's a Fossil bag. I'm refusing to buy it for her. But that's another story...